


Tocar

by 3ALover



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asthma, Friends to Lovers, Healing, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Please read with caution, Recovery, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 06:56:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18219728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3ALover/pseuds/3ALover
Summary: The first thing Brian was told about his new skater before he went to pick him and his mother up was that he should never, under no circumstances, touch him.





	Tocar

**Author's Note:**

> **If you have any triggers, PLEASE read the end-notes for detailed warnings**
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> I had this idea a while back and wrote it but didn't post it. I decided to go ahead since you guys liked my angst last time. 
> 
> Hopefully you guys enjoy this one, too, but please use caution. I may end up locking this one like I did the last angst fic, just because of the sensitive nature.

The first thing that Brian was told when he was going to the airport to pick up his new skater and his mother was that he should, under no circumstances, touch Yuzuru. As someone who didn’t really have any reason to touch his skaters other than a hug when they got off the ice or a pat on the back, he didn’t worry about that bit of news. He didn’t even think to wonder about why. Some people just didn’t like being touched, and Japanese culture was very reserved anyways. The language barrier was what he was mostly concerned about, so no touching was nothing.

Because of that casual dismissal of the issue, he didn’t think to warn anybody at the rink, and when Javier walked in the first morning of their group training session, he spotted his new training mate and skated out to them with enthusiasm. “Hi! You’re Yuzuru, right? It’s so nice to see you after skating against you last season!” he greeted, and before Brian could even think ‘uh-oh’, he slung his arm around Yuzuru’s shoulders.

Brian wouldn’t forget again, because Yuzuru went pale and startled so fast he fell and crashed to the ice, sliding a short way from the impact. “Shit, are you okay?!” he asked, starting to offer his hand but remembering better. 

Javi held his hand out. “I’m so sorry!” he said, but Yuzuru scrambled away from the hand, choosing to stand up on his own. Javi looked confused but not hurt. “You don’t have to be shy, we’re all friends here.”

Brian, knowing Yuzuru’s language gap was extensive, lowered his voice and looked at Javi. “Don’t touch him. I don’t know what the deal is, but it was literally in my contract to never touch him.”

Yuzuru seemed to have at least memorized that phrase, because he nodded enthusiastically. “No touch. Never touch,” he said, then skated away from them, going to his water bottle. 

Javier groaned. “That’s not going to be easy. You know how I am,” he said, and Brian cringed.

“Yeah, well, just try your best. That’s all we can do.”

~

Javier adored his new training mate’s failure to grasp English. He understood the frustration very well, and as he watched Brian trying to explain to Yuzuru that he wanted him to work on his lutz edge, even going so far as to stamp against the ice with his skate on the outside edge, he couldn’t help chuckling at the way Yuzuru just stamped the ice to mirror him, looking very confused. Javier skated over and stopped. “Hey,” he said, looking at Yuzuru. “He’s talking about your lutz edge,” he said, picking his foot up to tap his blade. “You’re flat,” he said, holding his hands flat in front of you. “Like this.” He skated off and did a flat-edge, poor double lutz, and then looked at Yuzuru and held his thumb down. Then he did a real lutz and gave him an enthusiastic grin and thumbs up.

“Oh,” Yuzuru said, then nodded to Brian and skated away. He marked his jump a few times before jumping with a cleaner outside edge. “Okay?” he asked, and Brian sighed in relief, nodding.

“Yes, we need to work on that.” He smiled at Javi and clapped him on the back. “Thanks, Javi. You’re a life-saver.”

“Nah, I just remember how hard it is to train without speaking the same language as your coach,” Javier said, then went back to his training. “I’m always happy to help.”

And he did. For several weeks, Javier ended up ‘translating’ for Yuzuru and Brian. He also worked on helping Yuzuru with his English since they trained together. He liked the kid, even if he was very serious and didn’t smile enough. “Jabi,” he called one day, and when he turned around, Yuzuru was waiting. “What is- I- What is.” He made a small frustrated pout. “What is this,” he said, tapping his wrist like he had on an invisible watch.

“What time is it?” Javi asked, checking his phone. “Nine forty-seven.”

“No,” Yuzuru said, then tapped again. “What is?”

“Oh, a watch?” he asked, and Yuzuru seemed to agree. 

“Yes. Watch. Thank you,” he said, and Javier grinned.

He shrugged. “It’s never a problem,” he said, and then he made a mistake: he unthinkingly reached out and patted Yuzuru on the shoulder. The reaction was just as extreme as last time.

“UUUN,” Yuzuru cried out, flinching away like Javier had swung at his face, cowering away and raising his hands up like he was bracing himself. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’m sorry!” Javier said quickly. He held his hands up to show he wasn’t going to touch him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeated and Yuzuru looked at him with wide, terrified eyes that struck fear into Javier’s very heart. That was the face of someone scared out of their mind. “No touching. I’m sorry. I just forget. I’m a physical guy. I’m so sorry.”

Yuzuru was breathing hard, but as his eyes roved over Javier’s face, as if sensing the sincerity, he relaxed and calmed down some. “Accident?” he asked, and Javier nodded.

“Accident. I’m very sorry. I promise to try harder.”

Yuzuru made a stern face and nodded. “Jabi try hard not touch,” he said, and then bowed his head. “Forgive,” he said, then skated away, shaking his hands out like he was loosening up from whatever the hell that had just been. 

Javier couldn’t get that look in his eyes out of his mind and he decided he had to talk to Brian.

~

“I saw that incident today, if that’s what you wanted to talk about,” Brian said as they walked into his office. “Yuzuru said ‘forgive Habi’ so I guess it’s okay?”

Javier nodded. “Yeah, I just forgot and patted his shoulder,” he said, then rubbed a hand through his curls as he sat down. “Brian, who is he living with? Are you sure he’s safe?” he asked. 

“What?” Brian asked in confusion.

Javier shook his head. “That face was not ‘I have a phobia’ that was ‘someone beats this kid’. That boy definitely has been abused. If his parents haven’t noticed with _that_ kind of reaction, then-“

Brian snorted. “Oh no. That is very unlikely. His mother is as sweet as possible and loves him with everything. She’s the one he lives with. She moved here to take care of him.” He shook his head. “It’s probably just a thing for him. Like you said, a phobia. Or maybe it’s so horribly offensive to touch people in his regional culture that he’s just unused to a hand coming to touch him.”

Javier sighed in relief. “You really are sure his mother doesn’t hurt him?” he asked, and Brian shook his head.

“Nah, he’s safe at home. Just try to be more gentle with him and don’t touch him. He’s a weird kid,” he said and Javier scoffed.

“That is the biggest understatement ever,” he said plainly. 

~

Javier noticed a lot about Yuzuru the more time they spent together. He noticed that he was a generally happy kid. Over time, he continued to accidentally pat Yuzuru’s back or tap his arm to get his attention, and every time he felt like he’d punched the boy, the way he reacted. He decided to do something that might not be fair, but would make their time together easier: He decided to ease Yuzuru into being okay with Javier touching him. 

He started small. He purposefully brushed fingers when handing him his water bottle or skate guards. Yuzuru flinched a little at the start, but it didn’t take long before he didn’t even seem to notice at all. After that, he would sit close enough to Yuzuru that he could tap his forearm to get his attention with the back of a finger, just one finger, so he could feel it but wasn’t alarmed. It was baby steps like that that got him all the way to being able to sling his arm around Yuzuru’s shoulder and Yuzuru just smile at him. Brian noticed, Javier knew, but he never said a word. Yuzuru now would let Tracy touch him, but Brian was better at not trying. Everybody else still got big reactions if they tried to touch him the whole first year.

By the time they headed off to Sochi, there was no physical barrier at all. Javier could grab Yuzuru by the waist and Yuzuru just whined about ‘tickles’. Yuzuru would seek out touch, too. He would come sit with Javi and lean against his side, whining about being tired as he laid his head on Javier’s shoulder. After a long time, Javier kind of just forgot that Yuzuru didn’t want to be touched because he got to the point where during the gala after competitions, when they did the group stuff and everybody put their arms around each other, he was fine with it. 

Javier was happier than ever to see smiles instead of fear on the face of his young training mate.

~

After several years training together, things changed. Javier noticed that Yuzuru’s touches for him were different than his touches for others. Yuzuru would grab his hands and hold them. He would pull Javier into loose hugs, arms crossed behind Javier’s neck to talk to him about something. He always sat close enough he could duck under Javier’s arm when they sat side by side. He would touch Javier’s chest and arms and smile in a way that said he had a secret. Javier was pretty sure he knew what that secret was.

He shared his own secret of the same nature. 

Yuzuru had grown into a beautiful man. He was a cute kid, but by the time he turned twenty-one, something about him was breathtaking. Javier came into the rink one day and saw Yuzuru already warming up, and the shape of his body in those black training clothes, and the blissful look on his face as he did a spin with his eyes shut, just feeling the ice, was too much. His beautiful was highlighted by the natural light from the high windows, and the lines of his body were as gorgeous as they were artistic. Javier needed to touch him, to feel him. He was a slave to this need. 

“Yuzu,” he called, and Yuzuru looked around with an eagerness that said they hadn’t seen each other in weeks during the break between Nationals and Europeans and Four Continents. 

“Jabi!” he said excited, skating over quickly. He met Javi with a big hug, practically launching himself into Javier’s arms. “Oh my God, I miss Jabi,” Yuzuru gushed, beaming. “You miss me?” he asked, and Javier couldn’t help but show him just how much. 

He cupped that perfect face in his hands, finally touching is flawless skin, and he leaned in slowly, giving Yuzuru time to stop him, but Yuzuru just went still, eyes wide with shock. Javier pressed his lips to those rose petal lips that he loved so much, and sighed, worshipping this one lucky moment. But Yuzuru only allowed it for a moment before he shoved Javier away with a look of sheer horror on his face. Javier’s heart sank. “You… don’t feel the same, do you?” he asked, confused at how he could have read it so wrong. 

To his horror Yuzuru suddenly swayed and started gasping, grabbing at his chest. “No, no, no,” he rasped, and then his knees gave out and he fell half on the ice, half on the carpet with a strangled sound.

“Oh my God, Yuzuru!” Javier scrambled to pick him up, but Yuzuru whined and flinched away, so he held his hands up. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he chanted, looking around. “HELP! SOMEBODY!” he cried, looking down at Yuzuru, who was crawling with great difficulty over to his bag. He dragged it off the bench and rolled onto his side. “Oh!” Javier went to his bag – careful not to touch him – and dug out his inhaler. He held it to Yuzuru’s mouth and Yuzuru didn’t try to take it from him as that was the only way they would avoid touching. 

As he took a few puffs, still gasping when he was done, Javier heard a door open. “Who shouted?”

Javier looked up and saw Tracy. “HELP! Tracy!” he cried, and she looked down the side of the ice at them and then broke into a run.

“YUZU?!” she cried, and when she got there, she crouched down and grabbed his shoulder. Javier started to warn her to stop, but Yuzuru allowed the touch. Javier’s heart sank as he even reached out for her and let her help him sit up. “What happened?” she asked, looking around. “Did he get hurt-“

“Asthma,” Javier said, holding up the inhaler he held in his limp hand. “He- he got startled and then grabbed his chest, and before I could figure out what was wrong, he fell.”

She held him in her arms as he continued to suck in ragged breaths. Javier gave her the inhaler and she let him use it again, but he put it down. He shook his head, holding up his hand but it made no sense. His eyes were glassy and his lips were purpling and Javier’s heart was racing. “Go get help, Javi, it’s just getting worse,” she said, and he scrambled to his feet while she pulled out her phone and called for an ambulance. 

Javier sprinted down the hall to Brian’s office. When he burst in, Brian jumped and tossed papers. “Yuzuru’s having an asthma attack, hurry,” he shouted, then ran from the office, going to the medic’s office. They had a medic on site since it was an elite training facility. When he got the medic, they both ran back to the rink. Brian was on his phone while crouching beside Yuzuru and Tracy. Tracy had fallen sideways so she could hold Yuzuru almost like one would a baby, his head cradled in the crook of her arm and against her chest. Javier got out of the way of the medic and knelt beside them, looking at Yuzuru. Yuzuru was still conscious, but he was clearly barely breathing. He wasn’t moving a muscle, most likely to conserve the use of his limited oxygen. “I’m so sorry, Yuzu,” he said, swallowing around the tears forming in his eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please, please don’t hate me.”

Yuzuru just blinked at him and mouthed the words since he couldn’t breathe. “Forgive Jabi.”

They stayed there with him, the medic doing what she could the whole time, until the ambulance arrived and Yuzuru was taken away. 

~

Javier felt ridiculous with a giant Pooh balloon as he walked through what was _not_ the pediatric wing of the hospital, but he was a man on a mission, and that mission was to grovel and beg forgiveness and prostrate himself before his biggest rival, best friend, and the man he was almost certainly falling in love with. When he got to the room, Yuzuru was alone with his video game in his hands. He knocked and waited for Yuzuru to look up. His eyes widened when he saw the balloon. “Jabi!” he said excitedly, sitting up. “Giant pooh is so cuuuuute,” he said happily, smiling brightly. 

Javier didn’t realize he had been holding his breath until he let it out in a whoosh. “Hey, Yuzu.” He walked over and put the vase with flowers and the Pooh attached to it on the table next to the actual Pooh-san. “How are you feeling?” he asked, walking around to sit in one of the chairs beside the bed. 

Yuzuru made a face. “I am okay. Doctor just being over- over-“ He frowned and Javier smiled sadly.

“Over-cautious?” Javier sighed, hanging his head. “I can’t believe I nearly killed Yuzuru Hanyu,” he said, trying to sound light and joking, but struggling.

“Not Jabi’s fault,” Yuzuru said in a gentle voice that made Javier look up. Yuzuru was smiling sadly at him. “My chest. It feel little tight already. I should not be doing skating when it feel tight,” he explained. “Jabi just surprise me and it cause it come on faster.”

Javier looked at him, examining his beautiful face, and swallowed hard. “About that. I’m sorry. I know I’ve ruined our friendship like that, but I thought you felt the same and I- I just couldn’t take it. You were so beautiful on the ice, my whole heart was telling me ‘kiss him’.” Yuzuru bit his lip and Javier saw tears growing in his eyes. “Oh no, please don’t cry-“

“I do feel same way, Jabi,” he whimpered, looking at him with pain in every inch of that beautiful face. “Jabi is- is so handsome. And you are kind. And funny.” He laughed through his tears. “Jabi always is making me laugh.” He pulled his knees up under the blanket and put his hands over his eyes, rubbing away the tears. “Every day I am with Jabi, I am feeling free.”

Javier leaned his elbows on his knees, leaning closer to the bed. “Free from what? The fame?”

“Free from being fearful,” Yuzuru murmured. He wrapped his arms around his legs and looked at Javier. “That first time I ever am kissed by person who love me,” he said, and Javier ached at how sweet it was to hear love spoken of by that voice. He wasn’t wrong, Javier realized. Even before it was romantic, Javier loved him so much. “You were first man I let touch me besides Tousan, and only few woman.”

Javier felt a sudden rush of dread. “Why did me kissing you freak you out then?” _And why did you say ‘person who love me’ instead of first kiss_ , he didn’t ask. 

Yuzuru whimpered, looking down at his knees. “I cannot be that with you, Jabi. I- I want to. God,” he sighed, tipping his head back and looking up. “I want so much. I want Jabi hold me and never let go. Keep me safe from everything bad. But I cannot do touching.”

Javier finally asked what he had wanted to know for so long. “Why don’t you like to be touched?”

Yuzuru looked up at him and his face crumpled. “You know about The Disaster,” he said, and Javier nodded, his chest aching.

“Yeah. And I know how badly it traumatized you. I know how badly it hurt everybody,” he said, trying to show compassion. “Is that what it is? PTSD from that day?”

Yuzuru nodded, a sob escaping him. “But earthquake does not make me fear hands touching me,” he whimpered. He hugged his knees and took a deep breath, fighting sobs. “When I- I was not with family, four hour, I- I try to help. I try and find help,” he corrected. “I have no shoes, skates had to come off to walk. I only am wearing training clothes and it is cold. Everywhere, panic. Hurt people. People crying for family. Emergency worker, they do what they can, but it so _big_ ,” he stressed. He swallowed hard and looked at Javier. “So nobody notice man I ask for help take me inside his shop. It not destroyed, just glass break. I think he will help me.” Yuzuru shut his eyes and whimpered around another sob. “He not help, Jabi.”

Javier’s heart _stopped_. “Oh my God,” he whispered. “Yuzu-“

Yuzuru burst into sobs and then held his arms up. “ _Jabi_ ,” he begged and Javier was out of the chair so fast it tipped over. He swept Yuzuru into his arms and sat on the bed with him. He held him while he cried, rocking him back and forth. “He hurt me. He hurt me so bad,” he sobbed. “He touch me over everything and- and tell me I am pretty, and I was so scared. I could not even run or fight, I just freeze. I just- just stare at bread on shelf beside broken drink cooler until it is over.” He laughed hysterically as he cried. “He even give me clothes and shoes after and just- just let me go, I am lucky he not kill me,” he cried. 

Javier’s blood boiled with rage. Yuzuru had been a scared sixteen year old boy, trying to find help in the middle of a horrific disaster, and some disgusting monster chose not to help people or check on his neighbors, he instead chose to rape a scared child who had already experienced so much trauma that morning. “So no touching,” he whispered, and Yuzuru nodded against his chest. 

“No touching. I tell my parents when I find them. I tell them what he do to me. But nobody can find one man I do not know in all the disaster. Police say it not even possible. I never see him again and nobody ever find him. I didn’t want to go back home after first time here in Canada. I will never see him if I never go home.” Yuzuru sounded so dull and lifeless that Javier wanted to break everything in the room, but instead, he just held him gently. “Jabi here, too,” he said, tilting his head back to look at Javier. “Jabi make me not scared. He teach me touch can be kind. He remind me touch is love, not hurting always. You touch me more than any other. I am never scared by it.” He smiled sadly. “But I cannot be with you that way. I-I do not even know if I will ever do sex. I cannot let that touch happen. Jabi, I cannot be for you what you want.”

Javier touched his face so gently it hurt. “I will take you however you will let me have you, Yuzuru. If you only want to be friends, I can learn to let go of my love for you,” he whispered, and Yuzuru’s eyes closed with a pained look. “Or you can let me love you and never touch you.”

“Jabi, think clear,” Yuzuru whimpered.

“I would rather go the rest of my life without sex and be able to hold you just like this and touch you just like this than never get to have this feeling,” Javier said firmly. And it was true. He loved sex, sex was great, but Yuzuru Hanyu was everything to him. “If you don’t even want to kiss me, I can live with it.”

Yuzuru sniffled, looking at him in confusion. “Why? Why you want boyfriend you cannot even kiss?”

“Because I would be able to love you with all my heart,” Javier said softly. He touched Yuzuru’s eyebrow gently, smiling. “Holding you is all I need.”

Yuzuru shook his head. “That crazy.” He raised a hand and touched Javier’s cheek, shifting some to look him in the eyes. “I am okay with kiss though,” he added. “It shock me, but I think if I know you will kiss, it will be okay.”

Javier swallowed hard. “Can I try again?” He winked. “Besides, we’re already at the hospital. If it happens again, we don’t have to wait for help.”

Yuzuru _finally_ cracked a smile, giggling. “Jabi so crazy,” he said, but nodded. 

Javier leaned in slowly, searching Yuzuru’s eyes carefully before brushing their lips together. This time, Javier was slow and cautious, but to his relief, Yuzuru just cupped Javier’s face in his hand and moved his lips in a tentative kiss back. Javier could feel the inexperience and yet he had never felt a better kiss in his life. It remained slow and gentle, even as Yuzuru sighed through his nose and parted his lips just enough to capture one of Javier’s, exploring this new touch. 

They didn’t break apart until the door opened and they pulled apart. “Hey, Yuzu, we were- oh.”

Javier and Yuzuru pulled apart quickly, but it didn’t help when Brian, Tracy, and Yuzuru’s mother stood in the doorway, looking at them with varying looks of shock. Yuzuru flushed. “Uh, hi,” he said, then turned and hid his face in Javier’s shirt. 

Javier held him protectively, daring any of then to upset him. “Hey, guys,” he said, then bowed his head to Yuzuru’s mother. 

To his surprise, the first reaction was for Yumi to walk over to him, and, in a shocking move, _hug_ him and Yuzuru both. She had tears in her eyes as she said something, and Yuzuru lifted his head to smile at her and nod. She really started crying then and he wrapped one of his arms around her, too. He looked at Javi. “She asked if you the reason I feel brave lately, and when I say yes, she said ‘I never think I ever would get to see you find love’.”

She pulled away and bowed her head to Javi repeatedly, and he understood the word she said over and over. “Arigatou gozaimasu.”

He shook his head at her. “Please don’t thank me. I don’t have to be thanked for this.”

Yuzuru translated and Brian and Tracy walked closer. “Well. That’s a bit unexpected,” Tracy said, and Yuzuru blushed. “How long has this been going on?”

Javier grinned. “Actually, I’m not sure if it is going yet. Yuzuru hasn’t agreed to date me,” he said, looking at the man in his arms. 

Yuzuru blushed but beamed. “You know I say yes,” he said, and Javier kissed his cheek, unable to keep it proper in the face of such joy. “Jabi!” 

“Sorry, Cari, I had to,” he defended. 

Brian chuckled dryly. “I’m not sure what made Yumi-san so emotional about this, but a twenty-one year old who never dated before must mean something I don’t know in your culture.” He pointed between the two of them. “Do not let this get out of hand. I normally would forbid you to date a rink-mate, but Yumi-san might kill me, by the looks of it. 

“It will be fine,” Yuzuru said confidently. “Jabi is good for me. I make sure I am good for him, too.” He looked at Javier with sweet, beautiful eyes. “We will care for each other, yes?”

“Yes,” he agreed, holding him still. “I’ll always care for you.”

~

Yuzuru was scared, but he was also sure. He fiddled with the string of his pants as he watched the door of the apartment. He had just got back from Japan and knew Javier was still at the rink when he landed. He was nervous and terrified, but he was also very confident that this night would be good for him. 

Beside him sat a brand-new bottle of lube and an unopened box of condoms. 

Yuzuru and Javier had been together for over a year now. It wasn’t easy dating a rival skater, but it was only ever easy to be with the most loving, considerate man he ever met. Javier never let him see how frustrated he got when Yuzuru stopped him when the kissing became too much. He knew it had to be really hard, but Javier _never_ let him see a moment of anything but understanding. Yuzuru got frustrated, too. The furthest he ever went and the closest it got to sex was the time Javier was on top of him and they were making out on the couch, and all the grinding made Yuzuru come in his pants. Yuzuru had freaked out a little, because that was technically sex, touching until orgasm, and he was not prepared for it. He had cried in the bathroom while Javier sat outside, reassuring him it was okay and they were fine. However, it wasn’t that he didn’t have sexual desire for Javier, too. He got frustrated in himself for freaking out over the first orgasm another person had ever given him instead of enjoying it. He _wanted_ the love of his life to give him orgasms. 

They had talked about it before. Nights Yuzuru spent staying over, they lay in bed, cuddling, and talked about how they both felt about the topic of sex. Javier was never pushy and never even asked him for sex, but he was curious about exactly what Yuzuru’s problems were.

The biggest one was fear he would freak out and relive that horrible day and ruin their relationship by having a flashback while his boyfriend was touching him. He also feared that it would hurt the way it had hurt that time. He also was terrified to finally do it and know, for good, that he couldn’t ever enjoy a sexual relationship. Through talking, Javier reassured him that he would never think badly for him if he did have a flashback, he would just comfort him, cry with him, and help him. He also comforted him by reassuring him that there was no way making love would hurt the way being attacked would. Yuzuru blushed just thinking about Javier and his cute habit of calling it ‘making love’ not ‘sex’ or ‘fucking’. Javier couldn’t help him with the fear it would prove he could never enjoy sex, but he reassured him that if that was the case, Javier would never ask for him to do it anyways. 

Yuzuru had been thinking, and even exploring his own body, and he decided that he wanted to try. He trusted Javier and loved him, and Javier would absolutely let him quit and choose to never have sex again. 

When the door opened and Javi came in, he was surprised to see Yuzuru. “Yuzu! You’re back!” he said, dropping his bag and rushing to greet Yuzuru with a hug. He kissed him sweetly and pulled back with a blinding smile as he sat beside him. “I missed you.”

Looking into those beautiful eyes, so happy to see him, he felt loved. He also felt sure. “I want to talk to you, Jabi,” he said, taking his hands. “There’s something I want to try,” he said, and then nodded to the condoms and lube on the table. 

Javier’s face grew more focused and serious and he nodded, looking Yuzuru in the eyes with patience and attention. “Okay, let’s talk.”

~

They decided to wait until the weekend. They decided to discuss every single thing about sex and their (Javi’s) sexual history. They debated the pros and cons of using condoms when they were monogamous and both healthy, but decided that using one at least this time was another way to help make it even further from Yuzuru’s attack. They discussed positions and decided, for the same reason, to always stay face to face, so Yuzuru would see Javier’s face and feel grounded away from a flashback. Yuzuru wanted to bottom even with his fears, because he wanted to erase the terrible memory with a good one. 

When the day came, Yuzuru was terrified, but at the same time, very eager. Every step, Javier told him exactly what he was going to do. Where his hand was going, what article of clothing he was going to take off, and he checked the whole time that Yuzuru was entirely on board with it. They were very slow and careful, and Yuzuru held his breath, fearing the worst when Javier first touched him down there, but Javier was so patience and wonderful he never felt afraid of him. Even when Javi entering him hurt some, he focused on his patient, loving boyfriend who looked at him with full attention, ready to stop at the slightest hesitation. 

Yuzuru cried the whole time Javi made love to him, not from fear or pain, though Javier kept checking anyways, but because of love and joy. He was enjoying physical intimacy with the love of his life. He had feared he would never be with anybody and would never have sex, and here he was, in the arms of the sweetest, kindest man in the world, being filled with thrusts of love, not of pain. He was feeling pleasure he never thought he would feel. Javier was so gentle and made him feel so good that Yuzuru came without being touched, and when Javier followed him, there were tears on Javier’s cheeks as well.

They held each other afterwards, both wiping their lover’s tears and smiling blindingly as they held each other and realized that yes, they could do this, they could share love physically together. 

“Thank you,” Yuzuru whispered as he lay in Javi’s arms, face to face and just admiring each other’s faces. “Thank you for loving me. Thank you for teaching me that touches can bring pleasure, not pain.” He brushed a curl from Javi’s face. “Thank you for giving me the gift of sexual intimacy.”

Javier kissed him slowly, pulling back with a loving smile. “Thank you for coming into my life, Yuzuru Hanyu.”

Yuzuru smiled and snuggled closer, laying his head on Javier’s chest. There was no reason to speak anymore. Listening to Javier’s kind, wonderful heart play a rhythm that was meant for just Yuzuru’s ears was far more preferable.

**Author's Note:**

> **Detailed Warnings:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> -This fic is about rape recovery  
> -It deals with the effects of the trauma years after  
> -It doesn't give any graphic details of the rape, but it does give some  
> -The victim was underage at the time  
> -The victim was already in the middle of a traumatic event when the rape happened  
> -There is sexual content, but it is not graphic nor is it non-consensual in any way  
> -There is non-consensual non-sexual touching several times


End file.
